Rengganis Rizka Prasanti Picture this: You had a bad day, and you went to your friend wanting to pour your heart out to them. Just when you begin to talk about what bothered you, you notice that they look uninterested, bored, or start scrolling through their phone. No matter how many times your friend tells you to “go on, I’m listening”, at some point you might think that perhaps journaling is a better idea.
Nobody wants to be that kind of friend. However, from time to time we may question ourselves about whether we’ve been a good listener to people in need. And for a Reyo, being a good listener should be first and foremost.
Before we get into the details, let’s figure out what active listening is and why it’s an invaluable skill to learn.
What is Active Listening?
As a term, active listening refers to different sorts of activities. For psychologists, active listening is a technique where the therapist listens to a client and asks all the necessary questions needed to clarify, understand the content of the message, and the depth of the client’s emotions.
In short, active listening is listening attentively. Active listening needs attention and intention, and requires you to be fully engaged in what the speaker is saying.
Why is Active Listening Important?
By listening with full attention, the other person in the conversation will feel valued. Listening without judgement will also help you to understand wholly what the other person is saying.
In a personal relationship, active listening can help you improve your relationship and bring more meaning to it. It will help you understand the perspective of the other person better and respond with empathy.
Active listening is also useful in a professional setting, whether in a workplace or for counseling. At work, active listening is beneficial when interacting with coworkers. It enables you to better understand any issues that may be going on, and may even help them to reflect on these issues and come up with a solution.
If you’re a counselor or work in the mental health field, learning how to listen actively is a priority. Active listening encourages clients to speak longer and share the troubling thoughts they have. By showing that we are willing to listen to understand without judgement, active listening helps bring them relief.
Do’s and Don’ts of Active Listening
Do: Ask Questions
It’s totally okay to ask questions to clarify or when you feel that you don’t quite grasp what they’re saying, so long as you ask the right questions. The best questions are open-ended, for example:
- Can you tell me more about what happened?
- Why does that event make you feel upset?
- Can you explain how you noticed that you started feeling down more often?
Open-ended questions will not only encourage them to talk more, it will also help you grasp their point of view better by providing details. Avoid asking closed questions (questions that can be answered with a “yes” or “no”), since it will provide little insight and can potentially cut the conversation short.
Do: Summarize
Another way to clarify what the other person is saying is by making a summary. Paraphrase the story that they just told you. For example, you can say:
- So, I think what you’re saying is…
- In short, you have been feeling…
- In other words, what you’re trying to say is…
Paraphrasing and summarizing the points that your partner just said is a better alternative than giving advice or opinion that they might not need. It makes them feel heard and understood, and it clears up any points that haven’t been clearly communicated.
Do: Encourage
There are also other things you can do to encourage your partner to speak while practicing active listening. Other than asking questions and summarizing, you can also encourage them to share their stories through verbal and nonverbal reactions.
If you’re talking face to face, eye contact is essential. Keep your eye contact for around 60% to 70% of the time while they’re speaking. Leaning in towards the speaker, especially in points where they seem enthusiastic or their tone changes, shows that you’re interested in what they’re saying.
If you’re talking via Zoom or video call, you can also show that you’re listening by nodding. Small verbal reactions such as “mm-hm”, “okay”, or “go on” can also help encourage the speaker even through phone conversations like in Reyo app.
Don’t: Interrupt
When your conversation partner is sharing an emotional story, you may sometimes feel the urge to state your opinion or talk about a similar situation you know in the middle of the story. However, interrupting in the middle of a sentence can discourage the speaker from talking more.
Sharing your experience can be a way to tell them that they’re not alone. While it may be helpful to bring them ease of mind, make sure to note the right time to talk about this experience. Ideally, you can wait until they’re done with sharing their story to share yours. Make sure the focus is on them, not on you.
Don’t: Dismiss
You may have experienced this before. While sharing a heartfelt story, you may have received dismissing comments such as:
- It wasn’t that bad
- I’ve heard worse
- Cheer up, it could’ve been worse
Their intention may be to help you cheer up and see a positive side, but it wasn’t helpful. In fact, it feels awful to have your needs dismissed or ignored. Try to put yourself in their shoes and see from their point of view. However small their problems may seem to you as a listener, imagine how tough it may be for them who are going through these problems right now.
Don’t: Offer Unneeded Advice
When listening to other people’s stories, you may be tempted to give advice, especially if you’ve gone through a similar situation in the past. Who doesn’t want to help others solve their problems?
However, you have to be mindful about your conversation partner’s needs. Unless they openly ask for advice or an opinion, it’s likely that they’re sharing only to vent and ease their mind. This is what a Reyo for. Remember that in active listening, the focus lies on your partner and their needs.
It takes more than just hearing someone speak to be a good listener. Active listening takes practice and intention. It’s an essential social skill that’s useful in many situations and is invaluable to learn, especially for a Reyo.
Reference:
American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Active Listening. Retrieved from APA Dictionary: https://dictionary.apa.org/active-listening
Cuncic, A. (2020, May 25). How to Practice Active Listening. Retrieved from Verywell Mind: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-active-listening-3024343
Grande, D. (2020, June 2). Active Listening Skills. Retrieved from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-it-together/202006/active-listening-skills
Lebow, H. I. (2021, September 27). Become a Better Listener: Active Listening. Retrieved from PsychCentral: https://psychcentral.com/lib/become-a-better-listener-active-listening
