Rengganis Rizka Prasanti You may notice that different people approach relationships differently. You may have a friend who is overly clingy with their romantic partner, who feels insecure and anxious very easily whenever they haven’t heard from them. Or you may know another who’s scared of intimacy, who rejects or pushes other people away when they feel like they’re getting too close.
While this behavior goes all the way into adulthood, surprisingly, they’re also influenced by how we were brought up by our parents. Our attachment behavior is influenced by the attachment style we developed when we were younger.
By understanding attachment styles, their different types, and how they develop, you will understand yourself better and the relationships you have with other people as well.
Understanding Attachment Styles
John Bowlby, a psychologist with major contributions to the theory of attachment behavior, defines attachment behavior as “any form of behavior that results in a person attaining or maintaining proximity to some other clearly identified individual who is conceived as better able to cope with the world”.
It is how we interact with others, build relationships, and maintain said relationship. Attachment style is about how secure we feel about forming a close relationship with significant others in our lives.
Type of Attachment Styles
There are three main types of attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. In their research in 1987, Shaver and Hazan identified that around 60% of people have a secure attachment style, while around 20% have an anxious attachment and 20% more have an avoidant attachment.
People with the secure attachment style tend to cooperate and socialize better with others. They’re more comfortable with intimacy, easily forming close relationships and are less anxious about their attachment with their significant others.
Unlike those with secure attachment, people with anxious attachment are often easily stressed or anxious about their attachment with their significant others. They worry about all the small things that can go wrong and have an intense fear of being left behind or abandoned by their partner. While they really desire to have an intimate connection with others, people may perceive them as being too clingy or overly attached.
On the other hand, people who developed an avoidant attachment style are less concerned about their close relationships. They actively avoid being too reliant on their relationships, for fear of eventually losing them. They tend to get uncomfortable when their partner wants to get intimate or if they perceive them as “being too close”.
A smaller percentage developed another type of attachment style, which is thought to be influenced by abuse and trauma in childhood, called the disorganized attachment style. People with this attachment style have fear of rejection and being abandoned. While they want to connect and build a close relationship with others, they also see signs of rejection everywhere, which makes them pull away.
How to Identify Your Attachment Style
Our attachment style is greatly influenced by our childhood, but it goes all the way into adulthood in our relationships, especially in romantic relationships.
Getting to know your attachment style is not the end goal, but it’s a leap forward to get to know yourself and how you can bring yourself to build a better relationship with others in your life.
To understand what your attachment style is, you can begin by asking yourself these questions:
- When I’m in emotional distress, what do I usually do? Can I comfortably share my feelings with my family, friends, or significant other?
- Do I have high self-esteem? How do I view and value myself?
- Looking at my past or current relationships, am I comfortable about my significant other wanting an intimate and close relationship with me?
- Do I often have worries about my relationships or fear of people leaving me?
If you answer “Yes” to all of them, you may have a secure attachment. However, not being securely attached is not the end of the world either. As we grow up, the attachment style we have from childhood does not have to define how we build relationships for the rest of our lives.
It takes conscious effort to identify the patterns of behavior we have developed as a result of our attachment style, but the first step we can take is to talk about it.
It may be uncomfortable to talk or discuss about this topic, but a discussion will always help us gain a better perspective and grow as a better person. It’s better when we share with others like Reyo who can help us reflect and brainstorm the ways we can choose to develop ourselves.
Reference:
Bockarova, M. (2019, September 23). The Forgotten Attachment Style: Disorganized Attachment. Retrieved from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/romantically-attached/201909/the-forgotten-attachment-style-disorganized-attachment
Cherry, K. (2020, June 3). The Different Types of Attachment Styles. Retrieved from Verywell Mind: https://www.verywellmind.com/attachment-styles-2795344
Cohen, T. M. (2017, September 19). Attachment Styles. Retrieved from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/finding-love-the-scientific-take/201709/attachment-styles
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Interpersonal Relations and Group Processes, 511-524.
