Rengganis Rizka Prasanti Communication is essential in all forms of relationships, but it gets trickier when emotions are involved. We may notice that in emotional moments, we tend to be worse at controlling what we express to others, potentially saying things we don’t mean and hurting our partner.
In a study among married couples, for example, trying to communicate right after a highly negative emotional event can lead to an unproductive conversation where they end up blaming each other, rebuking each other, and making negative attributions about each other (Bloch et al., 2014).
Finding the right balance in expressing our emotions to the people around us can greatly impact our relationships, but how do we do that? To understand that, we must first look at the effects of communication on our relationships, both the existence and the absence of it.
Why Does Communication Matter?
In a relationship where mutual understanding is crucial, communication helps us see a situation from each other’s perspective. By communicating our thoughts, wants, and needs, it will become much easier for our partner to understand us, and vice versa.
Likewise, not communicating about how you feel at all can lead to negative effects on your relationship. Generally, people are more comfortable expressing themselves when the other party does the same.
In 2014, researchers tried to explore this hypothesis by conducting an experiment where two groups of people were exposed to a negative video. One group of people is told to talk about the video honestly without concealing their emotions to the person they’re partnered with, while another was told to conceal their feelings about the video.
After measuring the physiological reactions of both the person and the partner, it was found that both the person and partner are more uncomfortable when they have to suppress their emotions (Peters et al., 2014).
The Do’s and Don’ts of Expressing Emotions
As the study above has shown, expressing emotions can have significant benefits for your relationship. It’s theorized that emotions can be a big part of social cues in interactions, and by suppressing or not communicating how you feel to your partner, they will miss out on substantial information from that interaction.
At the same time, letting your emotions get the best of you while talking to others can also lead to negative consequences. When the situation gets too emotional, you may not think clearly while talking, leading to potential misunderstanding.
As a general guideline, there are several points to observe and keep in mind before talking about how we feel to others.
Do: Be Honest
If you’re the type of person who doesn’t like talking about feelings, this point may seem counterintuitive. Many people do tend to avoid being too honest about how they feel because they worry that it’s “too much” for the other person to handle.
However, being honest about your feelings helps you and your partner to figure out the extent of the situation and how to best deal with it.
Do: Use “I” Statements
“I” statements are commonly used in conflict resolution, to discuss the conflict at hand without making one party feel victimized or take all of the blame.
When you talk about your feelings to another person, there’s a possibility that it might involve them and their actions. Using “I” Statements such as “I feel…” or “I get upset when…” let them know how you feel at the moment, but also doesn’t completely blame them.
Do: Be Respectful
Communication goes both ways. Being a good communicator means being a good listener as well. Sometimes, the right action to take is to sit down and listen to what our partner has to say.
We may not always agree with how our partner feels or reacts toward a certain situation. When that happens, make sure we take a step back to understand why they might react that way, instead of dismissing them entirely.
Don’t: Dismiss
We may find ourselves minimizing or dismissing our partner’s feelings because we may not fully understand their situation.
When we find ourselves starting to question our partner’s reaction, take a step back and try to discuss with your partner why they feel that way and how you can better understand their situation, instead of telling them that it’s wrong to feel a certain way.
Don’t: Blame Others
We may find ourselves feeling or reacting a certain way because of our partner’s actions, but blaming them is not a productive way of dealing with the issue.
Instead, focus on communicating how the situation makes you feel. From that point, you and your partner can work together to figure out the problem and come up with a solution that benefits both of you.
Don’t: Push Boundaries
It’s hard to communicate our feelings. Some people may need time to sit with them and process them before they’re able to communicate about how they feel.
People will differ in how much time they need and how they can process their emotions, and what works for you may not work for others. Let others take the time they need to sit and reflect before they’re ready to communicate.
Wrapping Up
Communicating how we feel will help others understand us better, but there are several things to take note of while doing so, mainly being considerate of others, being honest, and taking responsibility for our feelings.
We all have our own concerns when it comes to dealing with our loved ones, especially in the middle of conflict. Share your concerns with us at HelloReyo, anonymously and free of charge.
References
Bloch, L., Haase, C. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2014). Emotion regulation predicts marital satisfaction: More than a wives’ tale. Emotion, 14(1), 130–144. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034272
English, T., John, O. P., & Gross, J. J. (2013). Emotion Regulation in Close Relationships. Oxford University Press. https://doi.org/10.1093/oxfordhb/9780195398694.013.0022
Peters, B. J., Overall, N. C., & Jamieson, J. P. (2014). Physiological and cognitive consequences of suppressing and expressing emotion in dyadic interactions. International Journal of Psychophysiology, 94(1), 100–107. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ijpsycho.2014.07.015
