Rengganis Rizka Prasanti Imagine living with a roommate who keeps using your items without asking for your permission, barges into your room multiple times without telling you first, nags you, does not listen to you and does not do their part of their chores.
Picture how you’re going to feel towards them. Maybe you’ll feel angry, annoyed, or irritated. Most people can easily tell their roommates off, or even move out if it gets too much to handle.
But what if the ones doing it are family members or your partner? Will setting a boundary be beneficial, or on the contrary, ruin your relationship?
Why Are Boundaries Important?
Boundaries are essential in a healthy relationship. It helps us maintain our relationships while keeping our personal space, personhood, and identity intact.
A lot of relationships become toxic very quickly when it makes us codependent. According to the APA Dictionary, codependency is when two parties in a relationship become emotionally dependent on the other.
Someone who is codependent on their partner will rely on their partner, often abandoning their own hobbies and social life outside of their relationship. With no social connection outside of their relationship, they become very vulnerable to potential abuse from their partner.
A lack of boundaries can also affect your self-esteem. Feeling the need to always agree with others will lead you to feel that you’re not heard, and your opinion is not respected.
Lastly, it might be counterintuitive, but having boundaries helps your relationship flourish. Boundaries mean mutual respect, that both parties have a say on what is comfortable for them and what isn’t. Smaller problems that might snowball into unavoidable conflicts later in the relationship are usually solvable by setting boundaries early on.
Examples of Boundaries in a Relationship
Boundaries may vary in different relationships. For example, the degree of physical contact between you and your romantic partner and with friends will differ.
Not everyone will be comfortable with the same degree of boundaries as well. For example, you may not be comfortable sharing stories about your children or spouse at work, but perhaps another coworker is.
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries are related to any sort of physical contact and space, especially regarding social interactions with others.
Some people are okay with physical gestures in their interactions, but some may not. You may know a friend who greets and says goodbye with hugs and others who prefer a handshake or even a wave.
Physical boundaries also deal with personal space. Even with an open space and shared desk at work, for example, you may still want to have a separate area for yourself and prefer to keep your work items separate from others.
Emotional Boundaries
In a relationship, emotional boundaries are how you keep your emotions separate from others. It is about maintaining the idea that your emotions are within your control and understanding how far you can intervene when it comes to other people’s emotions.
For example, your partner may call to vent to you after you’ve had a bad day at work. You may be worried that you’re not in the best state to listen to them and that your emotional state and theirs may affect each other, so you enforce your emotional boundaries by communicating that and offering to find a better time for you two to talk.
Financial Boundaries
Financial boundaries are not limited to money, but also all of your personal belongings. This includes boundaries regarding shared items, financial obligations such as shared utilities and bills, and other issues regarding finances that might have to be shared between you and the other person.
When you’re planning a holiday trip with friends or family, for example, the idea of how much you’re spending your money and how you’re going to spend it may differ between each of you. These boundaries need to be communicated early on to make sure all parties are comfortable.
Understanding Your Boundaries
The first step in setting boundaries is to recognize your comfort level.
Reflect on past interactions with your romantic partner, friends, coworkers, or family, and note the moments you remember that made you uncomfortable. Write down these points:
- What made you uncomfortable?
- Why did it make you uncomfortable?
- Will setting boundaries alleviate that?
Not limited to past interactions, you can also continue to do that whenever you interact with others. You may find that the boundaries you have for different people vary in degree and change in different situations.
Lastly, remember that boundaries are not one-way only. When you expect others to follow your boundaries, you also have to respect theirs. Find time to talk to your loved ones to discuss their boundaries, especially in areas they find matter the most.
References
Holcombe, M. (2023). What to do when your family just won’t respect your boundaries, according to experts. Retrieved from https://edition.cnn.com/2023/09/12/health/boundaries-explainer-wellness/index.html
VandenBos, G. R. (2007). APA dictionary of psychology. American Psychological Association.
Whitfield, C. L. (1993). Boundaries and relationships: Knowing, protecting and enjoying the self. Health Communications, Inc..
